Abusers know what they are doing and what they want from their victim. If no one speaks out against them, they will continue.
Abuse is about control.
Abusers often feel little control over other aspects of their lives, so they attempt to control their partner in order to ease this insecurity.
Abuse may follow a pattern.
Abusers may have once been a victim. Anger and violence may seem like a normal way to express anger and frustration.
Abusers use excuses like these to rationalize their behavior. Pay especially close attention to the suggested responses if you recognize the excuses. The responses send a signal that you do not accept the excuse:
| The Excuse | Your Response |
| "I was having a bad day." | "Hurting or making someone else feel badly will never solve your problems or improve your day." |
| "It’s not abuse." | "You hurt your boy/girlfriend. It is abuse." |
| "My girl/boyfriend got me upset/angry, etc." | "No matter how someone makes you feel, it's up to YOU to choose how to react." |
| "It was a one-time thing. It won’t happen again." |
"Once is too many times to abuse someone." |
| "My boy/girlfriend deserved it." | "No one deserves to be abused - for any reason." |
| "I was drunk/high. Drugs made me do it." | "Stop blaming other things. Nothing can It doesn't matter what you were on.force you to act a certain way - it is a choice you make." |
| "I didn’t mean to hurt her/him." | "Well, you did. And that's abuse." |